A call once a month? A text here and there? Was never enough, I never got to be daddys little girl.  You never call him they say Show your dad some love, Show your dad affection they say. Isnt a fathers job to be there for their daughter?  Im not sure if im more angry about not understanding why as a kid on my own or him not realizing that I was wondering why. We grow up with the belief that you can depend on your parents for anything. Sometimes they fail to realize that actions speak louder than words. A call once a month, a text here and there was never enough.

My father broke my heart way before any boy had the chance to. I dont think its understood how much affect a father has in his daughters life. The role fathers should play in a Childs life could never be fulfilled by anyone else. There are too many other men like my father and many people going through the same thing Im going through. I wish things could be different. I wish we didnt have to deal with this. Nobody deserves this. It takes a lot to come to terms of an absent father especially being a young girl. I wish I had the guts to tell you how deep of a gapping hole youve left in my heart. How much youve missed out on, how much Ive needed you but then I think to myself  I shouldnt have to wish for this, I should already have this. 

I see you living the best life you could and apart of me wishes I could be happy for you, but the other part of me wonders why I couldnt be apart of it. I will never be able to forgive you for the hurt that youve  caused me. I could never forgive you for the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering why I wasnt enough, for the fathers days that passed and youd always ask Wheres my gift?, for the times I would shatter seeing how others were able to be loved by their father, but most of all for not realizing the damage youve caused. 

Over the years Ive tried so hard to understand why, but for some reason I could never come to a conclusion. I tried so hard for so long to be at ease with receiving a call or text here & there. You would always use the excuse Your not home distance shouldnt define whether or not you want to be a father. I remember not even wanting to visit my family back in New York because I never wanted to deal with all of the dreadful comments from him or my family as to why I dont call or text. I remember constantly being judged as to how much Ive changed and how different I am. Did you ever think to ask why? Do you know my favorite color? Do you know my favorite food? Do you know how hard Ive worked to become the person I am today? I can only thank myself for being there for me when I needed a shoulder to lean on, and you know sometimes I think how different life wouldve been if you were around but then I re think and Im happy you werent because I wouldnt of learned the things I know today. 

Through everything youve put me through I want to thank you as well. I was able to learn so much about myself. Youve opened up my eyes to so many complications that come with life. Youve  helped me realize that one of my greatest goals are to help others like me. I cant wait to become the doctor I want to be, I cant wait to be called Mrs.Bueno, to be able to help others in need. I can promise you that when I reach my goal I will be the greatest me I can be and I wont look back.

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